Our Choice to Evolve

My mind was very active early this week with the arrival of Hurricane Sandy as she rolled across the Atlantic smack onto the beaches of New Jersey—and then with the catastrophic devastation she left in her trail. I’ve been going to the beaches of New Jersey for all of my life, and I’m very sad for the loss of life and property that resulted. 

As I looked at the many pictures posted on the internet, someone said that Mother Nature has a way of correcting things.  I shook my head and said I didn’t “get” that.  The same was said to me earlier this year with the ravaging fires in Colorado.  Maybe I need to think about it more, or perhaps research it, but to me it’s just Mother Nature—and she is a bitch sometimes!

 

Since I always filter life through the 5 principles of jckrbbt that serve me well, I came to the conclusion that Hurricane Sandy has presented many people, businesses and towns with the opportunity to engage in the principle evolve—that is to undergo continuous and gradual change.  This change—though—is anything but continuous and gradual.  It’s violent, absolute, and sudden.  What human nature has over Mother Nature in these battles is the will and vision to re-create what has been destroyed and taken.  And I’m certain that New Jersey, New York and all the devastated areas will be back!  No question!

 

 

What I pondered this week is how many of us have the opportunity every day and every week to evolve, yet we don’t grasp this opportunity.  How many of us—me included—sometimes wait for a “hurricane of life”, if you know what I mean, that forces us to evolve.  So think about it if you’d like—what about you needs to change? What do you need to learn?  Unlearn?  What new actions will move you faster and more easily to your vision?

To the people impacted by Hurricane Sandy—not just in New Jersey, but all impacted—you are in my prayers and I wish you tremendous grace as you rebuild.

To those of us not impacted directly by Hurricane Sandy—you are in my prayers and I wish tremendous grace as you evolve…

Be well.

Danny

Test your stake!

I came across a great short article in which Vivek Paul, former CEO of a billion dollar tech company shared an interesting story--if you've heard a similar version, it's probably worth hearing again.  Paul described a trip to Bangalore years ago when he came across an elephant tied to a small stake in the ground.  He was curious as to why the elephant didn't just yank the stake out of the ground and be on his/her way.

The animals handler explained that as babies these elephants are tied to a stake and learn through struggling that they cannot break free.  Even as these wonderfully powerful animals grow, they do not test the stake again--thus remaining trapped my an earlier mindset that should by now be irrelevant.  This weak restraint in reality is made powerful and limiting in the elephants mind and belief.

When Paul was told this, he responded, "That's probably relevant to people as well."

Amen!  I cannot speak for you all, but man have I had many 'stakes' that have limited me for no valid reason.  Why do we allow this?  Maybe we are afraid of what may be possible.  Maybe we like the uncomfortable familiarity of where we are?

I worked with two wonderful clients this week that are both looking at some 'stakes' and working to break free.  They are both on the verge of larger success in their careers; they've done the work, they are commited, intelligent and kind.  They just simply need to let it happen.  And they will.

What stakes are in your life.   Slow down, identify them and imagine what it will be like when you pull them out---then pull them out! 

Be well
Danny

Keep Struggling

Recently I had the opportunity to spend an hour and a half with a group of people at The World Bank in Washington, D.C.    I gave a brief talk and then engaged in some discussion, insight and questions with the people.  What a great time with great people.

During one exchange a young woman talked about her quest to practice the principle of jckrbbt we call be still.  This is the discipline we create in our day to slow down and disconnect from the business of our daily lives here on Earth, so we can connect with something bigger. She said that she tries it practice this, and sometimes she is good—and sometimes not so good at it.  She smiled and said, “I’m struggling.”

My response was simple, and it came directly from my heart.  I said to her, “Keep struggling.”  Initially, I think she was surprised and maybe even thought I’d provided an insincere or sarcastic response.  But as we engaged in more conversation about this I reminded her that when she was practicing be still, and even though in her opinion she was not doing it well—she was doing it.  Hear me on this—she was doing it.  Too often I work with people that feel they need to do something or practice one of the jckrbbt principles and be perfect at it.  Well, all I can offer to you (and to me) is that we will likely never be perfect—at anything.

So?  Where in your life are you struggling?  Spiritual? Fitness? Finances?   Relationships?  Self-talk?  Moving on past some negative event in your life? 

What action can you take to continue to move toward the vision you are creating?  Think about it.

Got it?

Good, do that.  And repeat this process over and over and over again, and you know what?  You will create a place where you are no longer struggling. Hang in there!

Be well and God Bless.

Danny

Expect it when you know “it” is coming

So often we’re afraid of something we know is inevitable.  And this thing is not a good thing.  Now, I know that may sound negative and not it line with what I usually write about.   You know, develop vision and create reality. Seek support through positive self-talk and holding strong thoughts of intention.  But let’s face it; sometimes in life there is a change or transition, or just an everyday happening where we can 99% predict what will happen. 

I thought about this very subject this weekend as me, my wife, our middle son and young daughter dropped our oldest son off at college.  In my experience, this life change unit (LCU) is a big deal for probably about 80% of the kids that head off to grow, study, mature, party, etc. with the intention of leaving after four years to pursue their destiny.  Not a bad way to spend four years—and approximately $200,000.

Anyhow, my son and I had a few minutes together at a table outside the student center. I asked him how he felt and he said okay, but that he was sure he’d have his moments.  I got that and offered this to him.  It’s like when you go through a haunted house the first time. Remember when the guy with the chainsaw and hockey mask jumped out at you and you freaked out.  Sure, we all do. Then we calmed down and said, “Let’s go through again.”  This time (if the hockey-mask guy is any good) he jumped out at you again, but he did it sooner because he knew you’d be expecting it in the same place.  You were scared, okay maybe just alarmed, and then you went on.  If you’re like most of us, you went through a third time, you weren’t really concerned with when and where he jumped out—because you could deal with it, and continue through and out of the house. 

So I said to my son, “Think about this.  You know you’re going to feel crappy in the next week or two. And it may happen for even a month or two.  But how about if when the feeling comes, you recognize it because you expected it.  You say something like, “Well, here it is: crappy time.  Let me sit with it a few minutes and then take action to move me to feeling better.”  I told him that may be going for a run, calling his mom or me, calling one of his siblings, his cousin or a friend.  Maybe it would just be walking to the student center to get something to eat or drink.  Perhaps it would be watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother on his Mac.  He smiled.  He got it.

That talk with my son was on Saturday; this morning I observed a small girl walking into her new grammar school crying, and holding the hand of her big sister.  I’ll bet she’ll cry tomorrow and maybe the next day.  Not sure I’d bet $20 that she’d be crying on the fourth day and beyond.  Now I don’t expect this young girl to know what I’m writing about here, she’ll figure this out like the rest of us.  Although some of us need to keep evolving with this topic.

So, where in your life do you know something is inevitably going to occur?  And what’s the action(s) you could take to move to a positive place.  Here are a few “generic” possibilities:

·        Your boss/spouse/teenage/mother or mother-in-law let’s fly with a “zinger” not far into a conversation you are having.

o   Action:  You let go with a “counter-zinger” and the battle commences, or you acknowledge the comment in silence and respond from a place of understanding and love.

 

·        You come back to your dorm room after your third class of the day during your second week of college, lay on your bed and feel like crap.

o   Action:  Allow the feeling to spin downward and accept the negative self-talk that follows—convincing yourself that you must drop out immediately and return for a fifth year of high school.  Or you let the feeling of crap settle for a moment or two, then you call a key person in your support network and tell them how you feel, and that you’re really thankful for their presence in your life.

 

·        You begin to engage in a new behavior to produce a desired result and you revert back to an old behavior.  (My middle son told me today he walked to last year’s locker.)

o   Action:  Wallow in how hard change is and how it works for everyone but you.  You convince yourself you gave it a good try, but it’s just not easy for you. Or you just simply do the new behavior again, and again, and again and again and you get the message.  Confidence and new habits simply come from repetition and practice.

 

An American Baptist preacher, Vance Havner, said, “The vision must be followed by the venture.  It is not enough to stare up the steps—we must step up the stairs.”

 

Great thoughts from Preacher Havner.  Set your vision, move into action and expect it when you know “it” is coming!

 

Be well

Danny

BE where you are; SEE where you're going!

One of the things I've come to really practice and continue to grow at is the art of being in the moment--being present--but also having an awareness about where I'm going.  For most of us this 'where we're going' is the vision that we are turning into a reality.  Provided we've done the mental  work to get clear and develop our vision.

I was reminded of this the other day when I was taking an early morning run along the Delaware Bay in North Cape May, New Jersey.  I run on Beach Drive  along the bay and then into a small parking lot next to the jetty that ushers the ferry boats in and out of Cape May.  This particular morning was very hot and humid, and the bay's surface looked like glass.  This ultra-smooth surface was occassionally broken by a slow moving dolphin coming up for air.

Trust me, it was a great morning!  Anyow when I get to the jetty (see picture below) and begin to run out to  its end, I need to get into the state I described above.  I need to be where I am and see where I'm going. You see the jetty is comprised of huge boulders with relatively flat tops to them, but in between the boulders lurk potential ankle crushing and knee-twisting gaps,  As one runs on this rocky path you must be sure to place your foot properly on the rock in front of you--but the interseting thing is that you're not looking at that rock.  You looked at that two steps ago and now--while you are placing your foot on the next rock--your eyes and focus are two rocks out further toward the open water.

How true is this with life?

Where are you headed this year?  What's your vision for your health? Your spirituality?  Your relationships?  Your career? And any other significant areas of your life?

What is the vision you've developed in each of these areas?  Is it really clear with stong detail?  AND what is the action or actions you can take today to move toward turning these visions into reality?

Be well.

Danny

We control our feelings--not others.

I had two nice conversations recently.  One was with a friend of mine, Bob, at the party for our son’s graduation.  Bob said I need to post more content to my website and I wholeheartedly agreed; Bob is a very wise man.

The second conversation was with two of my older siblings, Trish and Paul. We chatted about a bunch of topics over a quick dinner, but one in particular arose when my sister was telling us a story about someone she works with and she asked Paul and I,  “How come she can make me feel like that?”  And the “that” at the end of her question was not a positive feeling.  I offered to her that the woman does not make her feel a certain way; it’s Trish’s reaction to what the woman said that is the feeling.  Hard stuff to wrap our heads around for sure.  And notice I said our  because I struggle with this as well.  There are certain people that I still allow to alter my state of being.  I can be feeling very good, and positive and fulfilled, and wham!  One conversation with someone can alter my state immediately.  This is a huge area of focus for me.

So, how can we continue to evolve (one of the principles of jckrbbt) into the person that is neutral to negative comments, references, and feedback?

Here are few suggestions I’ve come to practice over the years: 

1.     Lead with Love, look at the person and make a strong effort to love them

2.     Ask them what their intention is in this conversation.  Is it to offend you and/or make you feel bad/angry/hurt?  Most people may change their approach and tone in the conversation when you call them on their intention

3.     Walk away, or terminate the interaction

4.     And when someone rejects you (it could be in a relationship, on a sales call, in a submission of your manuscript, etc.) shift your perspective to, “They’ve not rejected me, they just answered my question/inquiry and it’s different from the answer I was seeking.”  I heard this from a wise facilitator at a personal growth seminar I attended last year. It works very well.

I am a student of quotes, for I love insight and wisdom from simple phrases or a few sentences.  Here are a few for us to ponder as we reflect on the impact others may have on us:

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little.

                    ~Pope John XXIII

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

~Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by

Reinhold Niebuhr

He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.

                    ~Chinese proverb

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.

                    ~Author unknown

…and perhaps the most famous of these types of quotes:

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

So, have a great day and the next time someone begins to “make” you feel bad, just stop and be conscious that you have a choice—and choose to be in a good energy.

Be well.

Danny

Do Not Wait to Determine What Is Important

I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently.  He'd just lost his wife of 30+ years suddenly.  She was 50.

 

How many times in our lives have we experienced a tragic loss?  If you’re like the most of us, it happens. It slows us down and causes an intense reflection on the life we’re living.  We identify what’s important to us—and most folks I discuss this with say it comes down to Faith and people/relationships.

Sometimes we also take stock of our lives at happy milestones.  Our oldest son, Luke, recently graduated from high school. The Baccalaureate Mass and Commencement were wonderful and provided me the opportunity to be thankful and reflect on the important things in life.  And for me it was the same; Faith, Family, Friends.

A few weeks ago I observed this when Philip Philips won this season’s American Idol competition.  Now weather or not you’re an Idol fan is irrelevant.  Just watch the clip below as Phillips sings his title song, Home, after winning the event.  He’s fulfilled his dream; he’ll likely make truckloads of money, it was reported that over 21 million people were watching him,  and you know what happened?  He could not even finish singing the song.  He was overcome with emotion and left the stage to be welcomed onto a mass of human love--the hugs of his family.  He knew what’s important.  It seemed as I watched him throughout the season that he has a strong grasp and respect for what’s important—his family and his music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmWxNmDqJWc&feature=related

So, a short blog post here.  Let’s all not wait for tragedy or triumph to determine what’s important. 

Just stop, close your eyes, be still, and determine who and what’s important—and let them know!

 

Be well

Danny

Hey, wait a minute. This stuff on the test wasn’t covered in class.

I’m blessed with a wonderful family of many unique individuals. The total number of family including mine and my wife’s--parents and their siblings and family members, and my own siblings and their family members totals 83 people at the moment—between the ages of 4 months and 83 years. For me, it’s a beautiful lab of human behavior that I study daily. Albeit, sometimes I’m my own subject (self-awareness is a beautiful thing). Anyhow, one of my college-aged nephews recently proclaimed, “That test was brutal. A lot of the stuff on it was not covered in class.”

Smiling as my sister recounted his observation to me during one of our frequent phone conversations, a proclamation came to mind—welcome to life. Many of you are probably smiling now and thinking to yourselves; “Amen, brother”; “You can say that again.”;“Just stay tuned, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”; or the quite popular, “Life’s just not fair.”

So, what’s some of the stuff on life’s test that wasn’t covered in class? How about…

Ø the first time your heart gets broken

Ø when you find out someone you trusted did something that smashed that trust

Ø when your company has a layoff/downsizing/restructuring/reallocation of resources…bottom line…you lose your job

Ø when a close relative older than you dies

Ø when a close relative younger than you dies

Ø when you realize you are no longer going to be married to the person you said “I do” too

Ø when you need to choose a college/university and they all look good—or not so good

Ø when you finally make the money you want to make, but still lack happiness and fulfillment

Ø when the doctor comes into the room and says, “We did see something. We want to run some tests.”

What should we do when we come across this stuff? Because it wasn’t covered in class. Perhaps try this.

            Expect that this stuff is going to show up

We’ve all probably gone into a haunted house around Halloween and been scared to death when a guy wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw jumped out from behind some haystack. We screamed and ran. Then you went through again, and this time you noticed the chain saw didn’t even have a chain on it. The third time through you and your friends actually scared the guy in the mask. I love learning about Abraham Lincoln. One quote I’ve come across attributed to Abe is, “We dare not disregard the lessons of experience.” Abe encourages us to reflect on all the happenings in our life and determine some basic truths. One is that we will be faced with situations that we’re not quite certain how to handle.

            Recognize it

            As my current boss and friend, Sally McGhee,

            often says in her wonderful British accent,

            “Let’s just call a thing a thing.”

            Act

Get a clear understanding of what needs to be different about the situation so you’ll feel better, then identify the action(s) to be taken—and take them! Even when the situation is bleak, we always have a choice in how we respond to it. If you don’t “buy” this please do yourself a huge favor and read Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl’s bookMan’s Search for Meaning. It’s sold 10 million copies and is a wonderful testament to the power of choice and mindset in the face of absolute.

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/0671023373

Another is the late Randy Pausch’s memoir The Last Lecture that he wrote as he dealt with a terminal disease.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334377077&sr=1-1

            Seek Support

If you read my book, Back From Heaven’s Front Porch, 5 Principles for Creating a Happy and Fulfilling Life, when it’s published in August 2012 you’ll gain a better understanding of my philosophy for living a happy and fulfilled life that I call jckrbbt. It’s comprised of 5 principles, and I’ve come to know that many times when I’m working to create a new reality due to a negative situation in my life I need to apply more than one of the principles at the same time. Seek support is one of these principles. Talk with people that love you and want the best for you. And watch what you’re saying to yourself; our own self-talk is many times our greatest foe.

Evolve (my favorite definition is “to undergo continuous and gradual change”)

Open up to the possibilities of how you’re experiencing your present situation, and creating a new reality on the “other side” of the situation will offer fertile ground for growth—yours!

Oh, and remember to smile and breathe (as hard as that seems at the moment). You’ve likely seen the research that both contribute to lower blood pressure and a more positive mental and emotional state.

I’m certain you can add your own items to the list above, and maybe some strategies you’ve implemented. I’d be glad if you responded to this blog and let us know what they are/were.

My nephew whose observation spawned the idea for this blog is a fine young man. I love him and his spirit, and know he’ll continue to live a life full of kindness, risk, laughter, fulfillment and love.

So to all of us, let’s enjoy this life—even with all of its "stuff that was not covered in class." Practice the jckrbbt principle of evolve and undergo continuous and gradual change. You’ll be glad happy you did.

Be well.

Danny

Take Off Your Brace

I'm 48 years-old and I went for a run the other day.  It was a short run, about 2 miles.  Not a big deal, right. Well, for me it was.


Let me flash back a few months.  I enjoy running.  It's good for my body for sure, but I believe I do it because it's good for my mind, and great for my Soul.  In mid-November I was in Denver for a company retreat. We'd finished our last day about 3:00 pm and I wasn't flying home to Philly until the next morning.  It was a clear, cool day in the Cherry Creek section of Denver and there was a nice walk/run/bike path out the back of the hotel that twisted along a small river.  I felt good as I began my run.  About a half-mile into it I decided to turn off onto a dirt trail that led down to the river.  About 8 strides into the descent I stepped on a camofaluged rock sticking out of the leaf-covered ground.  I rolled my ankle almost all the way over and immediately went down.  I tied my shoe as tight as possible and noticed the clammy feeling overtaking my body.  You've got to be kidding me, there's no way I broke my ankle.


I limped back to the hotel and did the elevation and ice treatment until I went to bed that night.  After a busy month, and after many suggestions from my wife and kids to perhaps go to the doctor, and me replying, "It'll be okay.", I finally went.  It was diagnosed as torn ligaments.  I was instructed to wear a black, lace-up brace for the next month so it could heal.  Limited exercise. No running.  I listened to the doctor now, after my stubborness put me a month behind in rehab.  Time passed, it felt slightly stronger, and my doctor said I could try to run again, "But, wear the brace, and take it slow."  Little did he know I had no choice relative to speed.  Slow was my only gear.

My ankle continued to grow stronger, but my running was not at the level it had been prior to this injury.  Initially I ran with the large, black lace-up brace on.  While this brace certainly provided support, it was confining.  I went to the drugstore and purchased a smaller, lighter Ace bandage brace, you know, the elastic kind--sort of like a girdle for my ankle.  This was better, but I was still focused on the brace.

So, I ran the other day.  I ran without a brace.  I ran easy; my pace faster than any since November.

Here's the two-part lesson that hit me upside my head as I reflected on this.  #1 - While I was running with the brace on I was focused on just that--the brace.   #2. - This focus allowed me no space to be better.  Once I removed the brace, there was still the lingering pain and twinges in my ankle--but I began again to focus on running.  I began to be better.

I've had many self-imposed "braces" in my life that I've left on for far too long. 

Here are a few:
- "Why'd I major in Accounting?"
- "I just can't find the right job."(remember: "Life isn't about finding yourslef.  Life is about creating yourself."  George Bernard Shaw)
- "If they would only see it my way."
- "They just don't understand."
- "I'm glad it's them and not me."
- "What if they don't like me?  And what I have to say?"
- "I still can't believe she did that."
-  "It didn't work last time."
- "What's the use of even trying?"
- and on and on and on...

So?  What braces might you still have on that need to go?  After all, we only have right now.

I'm 48 years-old and I love the lessons life continues to offer me.  I think Forrest Gump knows what we're talking about here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2-MCPa_3rU

Be well.
Danny

Rule #1 for the Book of Life: Do Not Skip Pages

I was reading--and I use this term loosely--a business book today and found myself flipping pages very quickly and even skipping some.  Not a real big deal for me as I just wanted to get an overview of the book and have a high-level concept of the content, I didn't really want to experience it.

Then my day unfolded...and it hit me.

Life is a book.  For some it is short, for others it is long.  For Hellen Keller it was a "daring adventure....", while for other it's a conundrum.  Everyday in this book of life we have the opportunity to skip pages.  It seems that many people, my self included, never really look to skip the Friday, Saturday and Sunday pages.  But man, can we turn through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday real fast.

As I read the article, Top five regrets of the dying (see link below), the substance of this blog post began to percolate.  Too often I see and hear many people turning the pages of the week quickly, not fully absorbing the wonderful message on the pages.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying?fb=native

So...Slow down...get out of your email...turn off your computer...your iPhone, Blackberry, Droid and whatever else is getting in the way!

Go to a movie.  Read.  Be still.  Smile.  Talk.  Pretend like Tuesday in really Saturday.  Call out from work.  Go somewhere within a two hour drive that you always wanted to visit.  Tell someone you love them.  And then tell someone else.  Ponder what you would do if you got fired.  Create and hold the image in your mind's eye what a happy and fulfilling life will look like for you in 3 years.  Take one action to move toward that image.

And above all, be well.
Danny

MIND THE GAP

During a recent trip to London I received some thought-provoking advice from a recorded voice as I made my way onto the Heathrow Express heading into Paddington station.  Over and over the voice instructed me and my fellow travelers to do one thing, three words - MIND THE GAP. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkmclPnAy1A

As I gazed out the window at the rolling English countryside I realized that this wonderful voice was almost like my inner voice, my self talk.  It seems that many people have a gap between where they are and where they want to get to--to their vision.  If you're one of these people (I sure am), welcome to the masses.  Take a guess at the number of people, that if you asked them, 'Are you where you want to be in life?'--with career, health, spirituality, relationships, finances and all the other wonderful areas that make up their life--would answer an emphatic NO.  I'm guessing for me it would be somewhere between 7-9 people out of every 10 I ask.

So, about 30 minutes later, I stepped off the train in Paddington station and right onto a sign at my feet with three simple words on it, 10 letters...

I smiled and said out loud to the amusement of the young lady exiting next to me, "Okay, okay, I got it."  I'm certain she thought I was talking about the gap between the train and the platform.

So during my time in London, and after a wonderfully inspirational performance of Wicked at the Victoria Theater, I began to "mind the gap." 

A few things showed up for me:

1. My book  project was not where it needed to be
2. My earnings for the year were okay, but certainly not where I wanted them to stay
3. My relationship with my wife and kids (and a few others) needed some more "quality" attention (notice the word quality; by this I mean that I am with them not just in body, but also brought my head and heart along...no iPhone, computer or any other wonderfully distractive gizmos)
4. My health was not where I wanted it to be as I stood just two years out from the big 5-0

What to do now?  Simple.  Number one: create a picture--a vision--of how it will be when I get to where I want to be and the gap no longer exists; and number two: identify what actions I need to take to move toward the vision.

Interesting for me as I sit in a coffee shop completing this blog post--two months after that trip to London--is that the gaps I identified after encouragement from an anonymous electronic voice with a delightful English accent have moved a great deal closer to closure--to the vision.

So?  MIND THE GAP!

Be well
Danny